None of the Guilt

My bucket list is as follows: Get PhD, write and publish a book, learn to play guitar, get married, learn another language, learn to surf, take Ellis on a train trip through Europe for at least a month (when she's older, preferrably when she still thinks I'm the coolest person on the planet and definitely before she thinks I suck). I'm sure there's more but as I don't spend a lot of time thinking about dying, I prefer to worry about other people dying, I haven't put a lot of thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life. Aaron asked me when we first started dating what I would do if I won the lottery. He was disgusted to hear that I would probably go back to school, maybe not even quit my job, definitely write a lot and probably volunteer. He took a sip of whatever he was drinking and pronounced, "that's horrible." I asked him what he would do and I can't remember what he said so it must not have been that interesting. I think its a good sign that I wouldn't change too much about my life if given the chance. Of course, that was before Miss Ellis and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty for being a working mom.

I know myself pretty well. I know myself so well I have even begun the preliminary steps to totally accepting who I am. Don't get excited, PRELIMINARY. At any rate, I know that I would not be happy spending my days at home, yes, even with Ellis by my side. I feel guilty even muttering these god forsaken words. I would find joy in it and I would no doubt feel so very fortunate to be among the few who do get to spend their every waking moments with their children. Still, I would feel incomplete. I would worry that I'm teaching her that this is what women do, we stay home, we cook dinner, we primp ourselves for our husband's return, we sweep and mop and wash clothes and dishes. There is nothing wrong with this but I would feel...not myself. Is this true? Is this really how I feel? Or do I feel so guilty and so heartbroken not to be with her I've convinced myself I wouldn't be happy any other way?

I have read all the research. Believe me, I have read all the research. I have talked to our pediatrician, a child-development specialist, I'm an attachment specialist so I've talked to myself as well and we all say that every little thing is going to be okay. Still, in my bones the questions linger. Is Ellis okay? Is she happy? Does she know how much we love her?

One of my mentors, while showing me a picture of his grandchild said, "Grandchildren are twice as much fun as your own children. All the joy and none of the guilt."